Water is very good for you. For drinking, not breathing. You’re supposed to have 8 glasses a day or something like that. Now, I don’t mind water. If I’m thirsty, water works. But, with a meal, I NEED to have something with a flavor. Is that weird? I don’t think so. But I don’t understand why. It doesn’t matter what I’m eating: hot & spicy, hearty and flavorful, or kinda bland, water doesn’t do the trick.
I like to think that I purposely pair food and beverages just as good as the sommeliers at those cloth napkin places. This is what I came up with:
Steak – Merlot, Cabernet, (bold, red wine rich with tannin)
Hamburger – Coke
Pizza – Dr. Pepper
Asian Food – Beer
PB&J – milk (ice cold)
Mexican Food – Tea
BBQ – any combo of coke, beer
Italian Sausage w/ peppers, onions & mozzarella – Vanilla Shake
What am I (inadvertantly) leaving out?
Showing posts with label Methodology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Methodology. Show all posts
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Grocery Stores - Go Figure
I just got back from getting the food for the week. They had a meat sale. I was giddy. That said, it still took me over an hour to meander through the junk most guys ignore to get to the good stuff. I always go through the store in reverse so that the veggies are on top in the cart and won’t get messed up by the meat and cans of beans. The blue-hairs don’t care much for this. They look up from sniffing the melon and see someone of my stature, barreling down the wrong way with a full cart mumbling about the way store is laid out. If I could draw up a floor plan for GuyFood Groceries it would flow like this.
First grab a cart. It works, it goes straight, it doesn’t squeak. Then a cold drink, now I realize liquor laws are prohibitive, so a beer is out of the question. But a Coke or energy drink to drink while shopping would be tasty. Complimentary – even better.
Aisle 1, 2 & 3 are meat, dairy and frozen foods section. The cold stuff, in fact, the sign will say ‘COLD STUFF’. This way if the meat, milk, meat, cheese, meat, Ice cream, meat, frozen pizzas, meat and juice is packed all together in the cart, it will be bagged together, therefore staying cold longer and not melting. Now, 40% of the time a guy can be done right here, check out and be home by the end of halftime. The other time we have to plod on.
Aisle 4 is condiments. BBQ Sauce, ketchup, mustard, pickles and mayo. Now there will be only one size. BIG. Seriously, have you ever had to throw out a bottle of ketchup because you had it in the fridge for over the year and a half they give you to use it up? I didn’t think so. Now this saves space, you just freed up half an aisle for the canned goods. The canned goods will consist of baked beans, sauerkraut, tuna and fruit cocktail. That’s it. You want corn? Buy fresh or frozen it’s better for you.
Aisle 5 has boxes of stuff. Again, the sign says ‘STUFF IN BOXES’. Mac & Cheese, rice mixes like Jambalaya and Spanish Rice, and cereal. Three different kinds of cereal only. Cheerios, Wheaties and Shredded Wheat. You want something sweet, put sugar on it! Again – more room, this aisle also has the flour, sugar, vinegar, oil.
Aisle 6 gives you veggies and bread. What? On the same aisle? Yes. Choice of bread? You have sandwich, round rolls and hoagie rolls and bagels. Veggies? Onions, celery, peppers, lettuce, apples, oranges and bananas. You want anything else? Some of that frou-frou artesian bread and bean sprouts? Go to the farmers market.
Last aisle is the cleaning stuff. Soap. Shower, hand, dish, one kind of each. Shower soap is blue. Use it on both hair and body. Hand soap is orange, anti-bacterial to kill the crap you touch during the day. Dish soap is green, so you don’t use the other soap on the dishes. Deodorants, smelly and non-smelly. One size of trash bags. Yep, BIG. Do you really need to put trash in a small bag, then when it gets full put it in a larger one, then take it outside and put it in yet a bigger one? Think about it.
That’s it! The candy you get when you check out, drinks are at the end of the aisles and you’re on your way home. No flowers, no balloons, no pharmacy, no movies, no international aisle, no greeting cards. This stuff is not needed every week. If you need to buy aspirin every time you’re at the store, you really need to see a doctor. If you guys need to buy flowers every week for their honey, you need counseling. Birthdays come once a year, plan on going to the pharmacy sometime during that year. That’s my take on it. Will it happen? Of course not. Nobody cares about guys like me except guys like me - - and you.
First grab a cart. It works, it goes straight, it doesn’t squeak. Then a cold drink, now I realize liquor laws are prohibitive, so a beer is out of the question. But a Coke or energy drink to drink while shopping would be tasty. Complimentary – even better.
Aisle 1, 2 & 3 are meat, dairy and frozen foods section. The cold stuff, in fact, the sign will say ‘COLD STUFF’. This way if the meat, milk, meat, cheese, meat, Ice cream, meat, frozen pizzas, meat and juice is packed all together in the cart, it will be bagged together, therefore staying cold longer and not melting. Now, 40% of the time a guy can be done right here, check out and be home by the end of halftime. The other time we have to plod on.
Aisle 4 is condiments. BBQ Sauce, ketchup, mustard, pickles and mayo. Now there will be only one size. BIG. Seriously, have you ever had to throw out a bottle of ketchup because you had it in the fridge for over the year and a half they give you to use it up? I didn’t think so. Now this saves space, you just freed up half an aisle for the canned goods. The canned goods will consist of baked beans, sauerkraut, tuna and fruit cocktail. That’s it. You want corn? Buy fresh or frozen it’s better for you.
Aisle 5 has boxes of stuff. Again, the sign says ‘STUFF IN BOXES’. Mac & Cheese, rice mixes like Jambalaya and Spanish Rice, and cereal. Three different kinds of cereal only. Cheerios, Wheaties and Shredded Wheat. You want something sweet, put sugar on it! Again – more room, this aisle also has the flour, sugar, vinegar, oil.
Aisle 6 gives you veggies and bread. What? On the same aisle? Yes. Choice of bread? You have sandwich, round rolls and hoagie rolls and bagels. Veggies? Onions, celery, peppers, lettuce, apples, oranges and bananas. You want anything else? Some of that frou-frou artesian bread and bean sprouts? Go to the farmers market.
Last aisle is the cleaning stuff. Soap. Shower, hand, dish, one kind of each. Shower soap is blue. Use it on both hair and body. Hand soap is orange, anti-bacterial to kill the crap you touch during the day. Dish soap is green, so you don’t use the other soap on the dishes. Deodorants, smelly and non-smelly. One size of trash bags. Yep, BIG. Do you really need to put trash in a small bag, then when it gets full put it in a larger one, then take it outside and put it in yet a bigger one? Think about it.
That’s it! The candy you get when you check out, drinks are at the end of the aisles and you’re on your way home. No flowers, no balloons, no pharmacy, no movies, no international aisle, no greeting cards. This stuff is not needed every week. If you need to buy aspirin every time you’re at the store, you really need to see a doctor. If you guys need to buy flowers every week for their honey, you need counseling. Birthdays come once a year, plan on going to the pharmacy sometime during that year. That’s my take on it. Will it happen? Of course not. Nobody cares about guys like me except guys like me - - and you.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Why did the chicken cross the road?...
…because they can’t fly on account of their tiny wings. Because of this size, the chicken wing (or Buffalo Wing for those outside of Western NY) makes an excellent snack or appetizer. Women consider this a valid fact.
Guys on the other hand, look at wings as a statistic on which to hang ones hat. 5714 strikeouts in a career, 1406 stolen bases in a career, 212 pinch hits in a career, 75 wings for lunch yesterday. Take a seat at the local chicken wing establishment. 83% of the people eating there are guys. Why? Well, the best wings are sloppy. Guys have zero issues with sloppy. Sure, there are women who love wings. However, they usually order them to go, so they can be consumed in privacy. The brave women who are willing to eat wings in public do so with extreme care. Choosing the drummette (the other part is taboo for women to eat) holding the wing as if CSI will try to lift a print off the bone. They take one tiny bite, being careful not to get too much sauce on the lips, then immediately following with the wipeage. A sip of the drink then repeat. At this rate, one can only eat 6-8 wings during a lunch hour.
Guys on the other hand…Order enough to fill them up. Stacks the amount of napkins needed for the entire meal as to not soil the remaining napkins in the container. They eat several wings at a time before the wipeage. The best posture for this is to lean over the plate, looking down, until the need for wipeage. Clean the face then straighten up and make eye-contact with your lunch mate and continue the conversation so that the other guy can lean and get his fill. From a distance, this see-saw action can seem awkward, but it’s truly the best way for to guys to throw down some wings for lunch. Now, when the chicken wing was invented in 1964 (Anchor Bar, 1047 Main St. Buffalo, NY, www.anchorbar.com) history says the sides of raw carrots and celery came in handy to ‘cool off’ the mouth while eating the wings. But I have developed an additional use. Since I am not averse to using food for wipeage. (Bread comes to the minds of my family) Take a close look and the veggies on how they’re sliced. ‘Julienned’ for the culinary arts student. I call it squeegeeeque. You get the picture? Why waste the wonderful sauce? This is why you walked into the wing joint in the first place. You can get most of the sauce cleanly off the face where one can save the wet-nap for the fingers, hands and elbows. Of course, facial hair dramatically reduces this effect and may require additional wipeage. So take a trip to your local wing emporium, have a seat, order a bucket and a cold one and enjoy the wonderful differences of the genders. And special thanks to the Anchor Bar, for giving the chicken wing a permanent, honored status in the GuyFood Hall of Fame.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Eating Over the Sink
This phrase alone immediate evokes a variety pack of thoughts and emotions.
Most men will think that this is one of the greatest ideas ever. “Hey, I don’t have to get a plate for my sandwich. I’ll just eat over the sink. This way I’ll save time, (I start eating sooner), energy, (walking the four feet to the cabinets and reaching and carrying the plate to the counter, and resources, (the plate saved does not need to be put in the dishwasher and washed therefore saving room for something else – you’re welcome Mr. Gore).
Most women usually simply stare in various levels of bewilderment. “My guy seems smart. Why can’t he just get a plate?”
OK, lemme ‘splain, Lucy.
First, this is usually a quick bite. Lunch - a snack - just a taste - a little sump’n-sump’n. This is not a full meal. We (The brotherhood of over-the-sink-eaters or BOOSE) submit to you that we will not behave this way when
*we have guests
*a nice meal is prepared
*when I have a nice shirt on
I for one can behave much better at a restaurant where the utensils are metal. I can eat one bite at a time, put my fork down while I chew and use the napkin to blot my mouth.
But this ain’t the time.
This (kitchen)sink scenario replays with some regularity in my household. You see, I’m busy, I absolutely need the 17.6 seconds it takes to get a plate and put my ham sandwich on it. And there’s another thing. If I eat over the sink, the mustard and relish drippings will fall right into the sink. Not on the floor. Not on the tablecloth. Not on the cat. Then these drippings will be swished away when I rinse my hands and face when I’m done. Hey, that’s yet another plus since I’m already at the sink. Then I have another opportunity to be even more ecological responsible. I wipe my hands on my jeans and my mouth with my sleeve.
Most men will think that this is one of the greatest ideas ever. “Hey, I don’t have to get a plate for my sandwich. I’ll just eat over the sink. This way I’ll save time, (I start eating sooner), energy, (walking the four feet to the cabinets and reaching and carrying the plate to the counter, and resources, (the plate saved does not need to be put in the dishwasher and washed therefore saving room for something else – you’re welcome Mr. Gore).
Most women usually simply stare in various levels of bewilderment. “My guy seems smart. Why can’t he just get a plate?”
OK, lemme ‘splain, Lucy.
First, this is usually a quick bite. Lunch - a snack - just a taste - a little sump’n-sump’n. This is not a full meal. We (The brotherhood of over-the-sink-eaters or BOOSE) submit to you that we will not behave this way when
*we have guests
*a nice meal is prepared
*when I have a nice shirt on
I for one can behave much better at a restaurant where the utensils are metal. I can eat one bite at a time, put my fork down while I chew and use the napkin to blot my mouth.
But this ain’t the time.
This (kitchen)sink scenario replays with some regularity in my household. You see, I’m busy, I absolutely need the 17.6 seconds it takes to get a plate and put my ham sandwich on it. And there’s another thing. If I eat over the sink, the mustard and relish drippings will fall right into the sink. Not on the floor. Not on the tablecloth. Not on the cat. Then these drippings will be swished away when I rinse my hands and face when I’m done. Hey, that’s yet another plus since I’m already at the sink. Then I have another opportunity to be even more ecological responsible. I wipe my hands on my jeans and my mouth with my sleeve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
