I just got back from getting the food for the week. They had a meat sale. I was giddy. That said, it still took me over an hour to meander through the junk most guys ignore to get to the good stuff. I always go through the store in reverse so that the veggies are on top in the cart and won’t get messed up by the meat and cans of beans. The blue-hairs don’t care much for this. They look up from sniffing the melon and see someone of my stature, barreling down the wrong way with a full cart mumbling about the way store is laid out. If I could draw up a floor plan for GuyFood Groceries it would flow like this.
First grab a cart. It works, it goes straight, it doesn’t squeak. Then a cold drink, now I realize liquor laws are prohibitive, so a beer is out of the question. But a Coke or energy drink to drink while shopping would be tasty. Complimentary – even better.
Aisle 1, 2 & 3 are meat, dairy and frozen foods section. The cold stuff, in fact, the sign will say ‘COLD STUFF’. This way if the meat, milk, meat, cheese, meat, Ice cream, meat, frozen pizzas, meat and juice is packed all together in the cart, it will be bagged together, therefore staying cold longer and not melting. Now, 40% of the time a guy can be done right here, check out and be home by the end of halftime. The other time we have to plod on.
Aisle 4 is condiments. BBQ Sauce, ketchup, mustard, pickles and mayo. Now there will be only one size. BIG. Seriously, have you ever had to throw out a bottle of ketchup because you had it in the fridge for over the year and a half they give you to use it up? I didn’t think so. Now this saves space, you just freed up half an aisle for the canned goods. The canned goods will consist of baked beans, sauerkraut, tuna and fruit cocktail. That’s it. You want corn? Buy fresh or frozen it’s better for you.
Aisle 5 has boxes of stuff. Again, the sign says ‘STUFF IN BOXES’. Mac & Cheese, rice mixes like Jambalaya and Spanish Rice, and cereal. Three different kinds of cereal only. Cheerios, Wheaties and Shredded Wheat. You want something sweet, put sugar on it! Again – more room, this aisle also has the flour, sugar, vinegar, oil.
Aisle 6 gives you veggies and bread. What? On the same aisle? Yes. Choice of bread? You have sandwich, round rolls and hoagie rolls and bagels. Veggies? Onions, celery, peppers, lettuce, apples, oranges and bananas. You want anything else? Some of that frou-frou artesian bread and bean sprouts? Go to the farmers market.
Last aisle is the cleaning stuff. Soap. Shower, hand, dish, one kind of each. Shower soap is blue. Use it on both hair and body. Hand soap is orange, anti-bacterial to kill the crap you touch during the day. Dish soap is green, so you don’t use the other soap on the dishes. Deodorants, smelly and non-smelly. One size of trash bags. Yep, BIG. Do you really need to put trash in a small bag, then when it gets full put it in a larger one, then take it outside and put it in yet a bigger one? Think about it.
That’s it! The candy you get when you check out, drinks are at the end of the aisles and you’re on your way home. No flowers, no balloons, no pharmacy, no movies, no international aisle, no greeting cards. This stuff is not needed every week. If you need to buy aspirin every time you’re at the store, you really need to see a doctor. If you guys need to buy flowers every week for their honey, you need counseling. Birthdays come once a year, plan on going to the pharmacy sometime during that year. That’s my take on it. Will it happen? Of course not. Nobody cares about guys like me except guys like me - - and you.
